另一个兔子洞

This is a long thinking process.

I've been thinking, I could go on like this, it's not that bad. However inevitably I ask myself, what if? Is this just it? The answer is no. But then what else? There are ‘what ifs’ on the other brunch of road. Someone older and wiser has warned me of the consequences, adviced me not to.

By thinking, it didn't exactly help. There are just things in life, for which that no matter how much you think there still isn't a black and white answer - the grey areas; the great unknown of life; the twist and turns that can never be straightened.

I admit, I don't know what I want, and it's bad. But hell, how many people know exactly what they want, except for the vague and unrealistic wishes of being beautiful, rich, smart, loved, successful, and so on? There is no wonder that prayer doesn't work, coz the gods they are praying to must be confused about what these people want. Poor gods they are, if they really exist that is.

I'm made to choose now. Life has been generous to me so far, I should say, especially with choices. Ok fine, I'm spoilt for choices. I need to point out here though, choosing without regretting later is not an easy job at all. Sometimes I really wish there isn't such a thing as choice in this world. In that case, I'll be just settled for whatever I am set out to do and get the best of out it, without blaming myself for not trying harder. That's the lazy bum solution, which suits me better. But too bad, life is never a straight line. We all need to choose, from what to eat, what to wear; to what to study, who to date; to career options, marriage proposals.

Standing at the cross junction of life, which way to go? One step wrong and you could be ending up in Kingdom Loserland.

Honestly I don't like it, all these choices things. Not knowing what I want is enough to kill my brain. Worst still, I'm coming to the realization that I am losing my youthful courage (or foolish bravery) which I had when I was 15, bidding my parents goodbye and boarding a plane to an unknown country. Now, draw a lot and plunge in, no way. There is so much calculation to be done, weighing of pros and cons, and endless thoughts of possible future scenarios. Well, just when I thought I'm over quarter-life crisis.

Fortunately it has improved from the last crisis, at least I managed to grasp some other things in life, which are clear cut, straight forward, and important to heart. These are things I can pivot on. It's good to know, even if I choose wrongly, it's not the end of the world. Hell, so many people have done it, why can't I?

So, here I am, not totally ready, but decided. No idea when it will happen, what will happen, and if it will happen at all. But in any event if it does, I'm sure it's going to be a life changing experience.

这里面恐怕有很大一部分是父母在北京的原因，但是绝对不是全部。我爱的，是北京这个城市。这个没住过北京的人可能不会了解。北京的历史，北京的文化底蕴，还有北京的人，在我而言，世界上任何一个地方都没法代替。要不然，我十五岁出国，记事儿了之后的时间在新加坡比在北京还多，我怎么就那么想北京，一点儿不想新加坡呢。对新加坡，充其量只能说是喜欢，跟爱，根本不是一个程度。

新加坡再干净，也没有天凉好个秋；这城市再像花园，也没有我们玉渊潭公园美；外国的月亮能有多圆，中秋节还是中国的节日。连北京的猫都格外可爱。我知道北京出门就堵车，没事老沙尘暴；我知道北京好多东西没新加坡方便，连买我鞋号太小买鞋都困难；我也知道我要是有朝一日回来了，连朋友都不剩几个，也根本不知道社会环境怎么样，工作怎么做，一不小心没准还变成海带了。可一身在北京，我就觉得我就是想回来。

我爸我妈也是，我都已经这样了还没事老招我，给好多诱惑，把前景都描绘得特美好，说你要是回来，咱们买大房子，弄块儿小花园种花种菜，想养猫就养猫，想养狗就养狗，每个礼拜六都能开车去郊外玩。这不刺激我吗？这不哭才怪呢。

我爸我妈看我水龙头漏水了，就说，他们当然希望我以后能回来，不过还是看我自己。现在最主要的是要学习，要奋斗，给自己创造机会，发展事业，最好还能去别的地方开开眼界。自己发展得越好，选择越多。这是实话，也是金玉良言。我也不想就回北京住家里随便找个工作能吃饱了就算，那这么多年在外面不是浪费了吗。唉，我爸我妈怎么就这么好呢，这么善解人意呢，这么伟大，这么能为孩子着想呢。

可是我还是难受，看见窗户外面的槐树都掉眼泪。昨天早上跟我妈去玉渊潭遛弯，给某人指我小时候在哪儿游泳，在哪儿照相，在哪儿捞蝌蚪。玉渊潭公园里好多退休人士早锻炼，干什么的都有，交谊舞，集体舞，绸子舞，瓶子舞，太极球，柔力球，踢毽子，跳皮筋，倒着走，排队走，唱歌，长跑，冬泳，打太极。就觉得，北京人怎么就这么会乐呵呢？这么乐观，这么积极向上呢？走着走着碰见一个大爷变魔术的。业余的，也不收钱，就是为了娱乐大众，练的是以前天桥的老把式。我们到那儿的时候正听骰子呢。一个小黑盒，里头搁两粒骰子。他一摇，就告诉你左边的是几，右边的是几。有人怀疑帮他搁骰子那人是托儿。他不乐意了。正好看见我，一把把我拉住了，让我上远远的把骰子搁进去。结果真准诶，楞是猜得一点不差。他还指着我说，得，才猜对了，那你是托儿。（指着我妈）您一块儿的吧？您也是托儿。

后来有变一套八仙过海。两个小塑料筒，8个两分的钢蹦一个筒里搁4个。让我按住其中一个。也不知道怎么着，再倒出来，我手里那个就变出5个来，另外一边就3了。再变三次，我手里出来8个，另外一个没了。

还有一个绝活儿三仙归洞。老北京都知道，就那三个碗变来变去那个。三个小海绵球，让我手里攥一个，他手里攥一个。啪，拍我手一下，我再看自己手里，出来俩，他手里没了。怎么塞进来的，我真一点儿不知道。三个小球每个碗里扣一个，也不知道怎么一变，都变一个碗里了。

最绝的，是手里扣一空碗。冲着八一湖一指，还说你们看见彩虹没有？我这就把湖里的水捞了一碗上来外加两条鱼。哗的一下把碗反过来，真的满满一碗水，里头两条塑料鱼。大爷说真表演就带活鱼了。大家看着玩，塑料鱼就将就了，活鱼反正也一会儿就死了。

反正是神了。乐得我嘴都合不拢了。你说这北京人有意思的怎么这么多呢？

反正招得我，回家又哭一鼻子。